Disability, Desirability, and Domestic Violence

One survivor’s reflections on the intersection of identities

I have never been taught to think of my disability in a truly positive way. In early-intervention programs, I was trained to pass as able, to speak at all times, and to keep my signing hands still. When I took my road test to get a driver’s license, my driving instructor told me to wear my hair down to cover my hearing technology and not to check off the “Disabled” box on the intake form. When I applied to colleges my school counselor told me that my deafness would be the most interesting thing about me, but to be careful that I didn’t seem like “too much trouble.” 

Until Abigail Herringer joined The Bachelor in 2021, I’d never seen a woman with my disability and hearing technology be portrayed in an attractive role where her deafness was not her entire story. While I was taught about how to self-advocate in academic settings, I never learned how to approach relationships with a disability, unlike many of my able-bodied peers who have been able to look to mass media movies, television, and self-help books to guide their relationships their entire lives.

Abigail Heringer holding her memoir “The Deaf Girl” | Courtesy of Instagram

I never learned to say “No” to others, and I often felt that simply being disabled was already a burden enough on my able-bodied peers. If I was accepted, I felt obligated to those around me to be not-too-disabled, to never make a fuss about my accommodations or my experience. All of these experiences, in their own ways, contributed to my vulnerability when I got into my first sexual relationship. 

When approaching Domestic Violence and Relationship Abuse against disabled individuals, it is important to take a holistic view and pay attention to the social attitude towards disability. The indifference towards ableism and the casual way it’s allowed to perpetuate in society is extremely harmful, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. One of the largest barriers for people trying to leave abusive relationships is isolation and people with disabilities are some of the most isolated marginalized groups in society. 

Abusers of people with disabilities often abuse and isolate their partners by

  • Limiting autonomy over various aspects of life
  • Abusing positions of care
  • Using and encouraging microaggressions
  • Demanding gratitude for caregiving and assistance 
  • Taking over financial resources and decisions
  • Restricting access to medical care, medications, and communication with care teams 

In my own experience, I felt obligated to my able-bodied partner because I felt that just by being with me he was doing me a favor. As a result, I brushed off his microaggressions and demoralizing comments about my disability. I laughed at every joke at my expense, allowed him to insult my disability, let him see me in my most vulnerable state, handed him my hearing technology, and trusted him with my deaf ears. Anything that he wanted from me, I rushed to provide. I feel that it is important to also note that my abuser, like most, was not consistently harmful towards me. Even when it came to my disability, he balanced care with cruelty, and each sweet comment regarding what I considered my biggest flaw only made me fall for him more.

I swallowed his hateful remarks and savored the kind moments, no matter how few and far between. I remember when I told him I loved him, he said he’d already told me. “When you didn’t have your cochlear implants on, I whispered it to you.” I had been aware of his moving lips, his breath on my ear, but I had only felt stress to put my technology back on so I could hear him again. I’d never considered that anyone would say that to me when I wasn’t in the hearing world with them. I never taught him how to sign his love to me in American Sign Language. As a result of his manipulation and charm, I gave him autonomy over my body and emotions. I have fought to take them back, and I am grateful that he did not gain control of anything else in my life.

If you feel like you may be in an abusive relationship and need someone to talk to just know you’re not alone. These local resources are designed specifically to help disabled survivors of Relationship Abuse and Domestic Violence:

We must push against the less-than mindset that is thrust upon individuals with disabilities and encourage disability pride, self-advocacy in combination with self-care, and recognize the value of our community members with disabilities–at the human level and beyond.

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