Surveillance Is Abuse, Not Love: Stories of Surviving Stalking
January was Stalking Awareness Month, but this issue affects survivors year round! Abusers often employ stalking tactics to assert power and control of their targets. This can be what we typically think of as stalking—like physically following you—but surveillance can take many forms.
How might this look? How can we stay safe and vigilant?
With our Survivor Anthology Project, we aim to uplift stories from real survivors, told in their own words. Many of our authors have experienced types of stalking and surveillance, and we hope their bravery in sharing their stories can help others recognize dangerous patterns.
Read on to learn more about some common forms of stalking used by abusers and to hear stories from these featured survivors.
Surveillance
In the most general sense, abusive surveillance is used to monitor, control, and limit someone’s freedom. This can manifest itself in many ways, some of which can even look like care or protectiveness, such as a partner needing to know everywhere you go and everyone you see. Most commonly, this surveillance will happen through a combination of technological and real-life monitoring.
In “Now I Know Better” (Survival & Beyond, Issue 1 / Spring 2024), an anonymous author recalls, “If I didn’t call him at exactly the same time every night I would have to ‘make it up to him.’ If I didn’t text him a ‘Good Morning’ that was grounds for punishing me.”
The danger of surveillance, as shown in “Now I Know Better” is not just the lack of privacy—it is the threat of further violence which is paired with it. This threat might make survivors shrink their lives and give in to their abusers' control in order to keep themselves safe, but that does not equal consent. There is never an excuse for repeated, unwanted invasions of privacy.
Cyberstalking
Technology is an incredible tool for connection. However, there are some ways that technology can increase an abuser’s access to a survivor. They might use various kinds of social media and technology to track your movements, memorize your daily schedule, mine for information, harass you, threaten you, extort you, etc.
In “The Unsafe Zone” by Dian Sept Trisanti (from Survival & Beyond, Issue 2 / Fall 2024), we see examples of how cyberstalking can play out. The author shares about her experience working with a survivor of abuse experiencing stalking who was “terrorized by lewd messages.” Messages sent by cyberstalkers can range from overly complimentary to offensive and upsetting. No matter the content of the message, the common thread is that they are unwanted.
“The perpetrator threatened to destroy my family,” the survivor shared with the author, struck by how fast technology could be weaponized against a person and how “someone we once loved could become an enemy in an instant.”
Detainment
Detainment can happen in many ways, such as somebody limiting your movements through physical intimidation, threats, or by preventing your access to certain resources. Experiencing stalking can greatly limit a survivor’s movements, whether or not they are being physically detained—stalkers and abusers use fear, control, deprivation, and manipulation as much as they use physical tactics.
In “Weeds” by writer Rose (Survival & Beyond, Issue 1 / Spring 2024), the author shows how abusers implement multifaceted, highly intentional means to attempt to keep survivors in their grasp. “I was a prisoner,” writes Rose, “inside all night, alone and sick, while he left with the key .… He made sure my phone had died so nobody could find me. How did I get here?”
Here’s What You Can Do:
- Educate yourself on what constitutes stalking behaviors and how to recognize them!
- From our blog: "Facing the Shadows: A Comprehensive Look at Stalking" (Jan 2026)
- You can find some great resources here.
- Learn from survivors and uplift their stories by reading our Survivor Anthologies!
- Apps like Snapchat, Life 360, FindMyIPhone, etc. all have features in which you can share your location with others
- Be cautious using these features.
- Even if you do not share your location with a dangerous person specifically, they might be able to get it from somebody else who has access to that information, a form of proxy stalking.
- Look into these features to see when and how location sharing can be limited or turned off.
- Share what you have learned with the people around you!
Need Help?
Safe Passage offers counseling, support, and other services for survivors of domestic violence and relationship abuse. We’re here to help!
Helpline: 413-586-5066
Toll-free: 833-484-3415