Hold On

this is what I hold

a grandmother lost in a world of tranquilizers

considered a sign of health and recovery from addiction

by the “experts”

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother watching

with teary eyes

her sister—likely raped, exiled as a slut, pregnant

trading her only option for survival

for diphtheria from

an abortion she administered

but never chose to die

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother grieving for a child

never to reach a year

racing against the limitlessness of purgatory

with a baptism while holding

her dying son

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother, vital, active

skiing when women just did not do that sort of thing

a fall on the slope left her with no functioning limbs

and no access to healthcare

a five-year-old daughter as caretaker of her mother and brother

who never met her grandchildren

 

this is what I hold

the wounds of an 18-year-old

message received

you dared to leave, now I get to punish,

rape, degrade and

nearly murder you

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother putting her love into ice cream and pies

a restaurant serving up burgers, milkshakes, chicken baskets,

hope, comfort, daycare, safe space, family, tradition, joy

joy, oh so much joy

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother who never stops grieving

doing things a woman “never does”

earning money, driving, voting, crying, loving

i’m queer too she said and we thought it a joke

until we saw the old picture of her and aunt alice

love, oh so much love

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother generously loving her two sons

while the third is still alive—in her heart

nine grandchildren

who she cared for, loved, and taught

go talk to the tree, see what it has to say, with spirit

spirit, oh so much spirit

 

this is what I hold

a grandmother finding a way to love her children

admire the maple trees and the birds who made them home

and the trains

while she used a chair for legs and her body for hugs, with devotion

devotion, oh so much devotion

 

this is what I hold

a surprise new direction, healing beyond imagination

a series of fucking growth opportunities

a bad-ass advocate, wife, mother/auntie-mama, foster parent, cousin,

servant leader, writer, teacher, change-agent

validated by boldness and who cares about the degrees

you can hold her in contempt but she’ll hold the judge in contempt

loving her way to change

loving herself to joy

joy, oh so much joy