Three Poems (Andrea Hampel)

Andrea Hampel

Thinking/Wanting

I thought I wanted a new life

I thought I wanted to play bass

I thought I wanted to brew beer

I thought I wanted a career 

I thought I wanted you

I thought I wanted a garden

I thought I wanted stability

I thought I wanted chickens

I thought I wanted your approval

I thought I wanted clarity

I thought I wanted you to be happy no matter what

I thought I wanted repair

I thought I wanted monogamy

I thought I wanted hierarchical polyamory

I thought I wanted to date a radical

I thought I wanted to stay friends

 

I want sunshine

I want screen door banging

I want to be the big and little spoon

I want affordable housing for all

I want to feel like I’m home in myself and with others  

I want to make space for every feeling to move through me

I want someone to feed me in a way that nourishes us both

I want painful conversations that also have space for love and care

I want freedom and autonomy

I want someone to ask questions and make space for my answers

I want to be involved in something from start to finish

I want the pleasure of my company

I want camping trips with friends

I want casual parties and brunches

I want the wind in my face as I bike down a hill

I want my arms to feel a little sore after paddling a canoe

I want to drive in a car with my best friend with music on and the windows down

I want to mail love letters to the people I love

I want to feel strong in my body and like I can let my jaw release

I want to drive my loved ones to the airport and hug them goodbye

I want my loved ones to heal themselves and feel supported

I want to live now and not put it off

Fool's Snow

A blizzard on the eve of April Fools’ Day

Snow six inches deep and sun blazing

Melting chunks fall off the trees

As I walk to my last sled of the year

Also my first sled of the year

First and last on April 1st

 

The sun mocks me on a day like today

Where if it were still winter I would accept defeat

And hole up inside

The roads are a slop so I take that as an excuse not to drive anywhere

But alas, I live close to the park now

So I can walk

And have no excuse

 

There are beautiful days where I spend most of the day

Trying to convince myself to go through the door

And walk outside

I know it’s beautiful out, I can see it, the weather app on my phone tells me it is

But I’m stubborn when faced with the smallest obstacle in front of something I will enjoy

 

And then I’m out and the world unfolds as it always does

With its everyday cruelties and small wonders

A lilac bush lays injured over the sidewalk

Its branches not supportive enough for the snowfall’s weight 

The neighbors out dutifully shoveling

A rack of shoes sunning themselves on a neighbor’s three-season porch, toes towards the light  

Waiting for feet to warm. 

 

And then at the park, laughter rings out

The whoops of joy of kids sledding

The adult groups chuckling over some unknown hilarity

Other adults standing around looking somewhat bored as kids scramble

Some taking photos and videos

 

And then me, trying out my housemate’s sled

Going a ways down a hill and then keeling over into the snow

Not quite scrambling back up the hill as I used to do

But mindfully stepping, steeping

Finding the perfect spot where I can go fast enough

 

To feel the wind on my face

Before tipping over

And then climbing back up the hill

To sit and write

 

Today I’m envious of the high school friend

Who always seems to be traveling to a beautiful faraway place

And I’m realizing I’m not envious so much of the travel and beautiful places

Although there are places I would like to go

I’m envious of the enviable life

A life clearly displayed as desirable

Able to be taken in and approved of

For others to look on and say, yes, they lived a good life

 

I know I live a good life, even with the personal tragedies

I hear myself say to someone else, isn’t making mistakes how you find out the truth?

And yet I struggle to take that in for myself

My mistakes seem as blaringly obvious

As the smile on the distant classmate’s face at the beach

 

I can go to the same park every day and

Find something new and beautiful

The changes in the light, the various bird calls

The way the snow looks on different kinds of pine

I can only call the white pine by it’s name

And wonder how I forgot the others’ names

And here I am, again only remembering

What I don’t know

 

I can’t translate this rich inner life

Into an Instagram post

And I’m not meant to

 

But I still want

 

This wanting wide in me now that we’re not together anymore

Feeling doubly alone

With only myself to share my noticings with

And a few trusted friends

And this April fool’s sunshine

Peach Dreams

I saw the slices of peach set out,

So deliberately prepared.

Were they for me?

Was this not supposed to be a confession of a hard breakup,

But possibly some celebration?

Celebration of summer ripeness,

Fermentation separated out into two fridges.

When you said you trusted me

To keep the little porcelain sauce bowls

That weighed down our kimchi and sauerkraut,

Was that all you were trusting me with?

Was I too busy crunching slippery cabbage

Between my fingers

To recognize the music video you were trying to

Share with me?

Was I meant to notice

When we hugged goodbye

That there was only a single thin layer of fabric

Separating me from you?

I think there were raspberries too,

Raspberries and peaches

Placed out

For me?

Author's Note
About Andrea Hampel

Copyright Credit: Andrea Hampel, “Thinking/Wanting," "Fool's Snow" and "Peach Dreams" from Survival & Beyond, Issue 2 / Fall 2024 (Safe Passage, 2024). Copyright © 2024 by Safe Passage. Reprinted with the permission of the author.

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